The things I've seen I stored away in Heavy heart, liver, lungs My body dragging Fatty layer upon layer Until I've found my place And when I finally lay down The dirt engulfing me, the Sky a distant thought I know I can Let go at last
the dent my head makes
in the pillow, a valley
to the worlds within me
and as the moon shines
through these dark curtains, a voice
sings songs I've never heard
my heavens and hells, closeby
it just takes a small death
for me to be reborn, again
watch, as the world
sees the fire rain
slay
there, goes another
dream the bright sky
dark
food, a thought stolen
lost the black money
live
leave, fight I must
slow the empty road
stay
drown, my blood
frozen over this dirt
mark
heart, my mind forever
grateful the heavy hero
give
I have nothing more
my straight back
hurts
on these long stretches
I cannot see
the road ahead
moving
in one direction
the blood that keeps on going
round, round
and round again
the pain in my lungs
I am no superhuman
brick walls
they hold me out
it doesn't matter
which turn
I take, I know
the destination lies ahead
Last night the Moon, it pulled And I pulled back – I wasn't sure who won Last night the Moon, it laughed And I got stuck – I told her, I'm the one Last night the Moon, it went And I looked down – I had to carry on Tonight the Moon returned And I looked up – I knew that it was done
Violently broken
You flew right in
Out of nowhere
Out of everything
I wanted, not this
Yet here we are
Where no one
Can touch us
My whole life
I have faced in the
Blink of an eye
A lash on the cheek
Blown away
By a chilly breeze
Last night I was
Sure I'd die
To not see the
Next day, leaving
Everyone who's
Dear to me
Behind, but
This morning
I woke up
Catch my fleets
Before floating off
Force'm down
A big swig
I'm not here
Anymore, don't want
To set off on this
Course, coarse as
I am already
Another turn another
Life to end
I need to get an operation. I have cataract in one eye and they need to replace the lens. And little old, very rational me is scared shitless. So I thought I’d write something to distract myself. Well, with that beginning, not a great way to start, is it?
Okay, soldiering on.
The last few days I’ve been wondering, while kind of standing beside myself and looking at me, why I’m so uncontrollable scared for this operation. I am not scared of hospitals, I don’t mind having an injection, I don’t even mind having to have some skin cut out under local anesthetic, having to get stitches, none of that.
The rational explanation, or at least the logical one, is that I am dealing with some unresolved trauma. (Is trauma ever not unresolved?) – As a young boy I was in and out the hospital a lot with ear infections. At that time they had a simple solution: prick a hole in the eardrum and let the muck come out.
As a child with, at that time, undiagnosed Aperger’s Syndrome, I didn’t deal well with the whole forcing me down on an operating table, forcefully putting the mask with the anesthesia on me, doing something to my head, well, inside my head, and then having to wake up confused, looking for my parents. These are still vivid memories. (Maybe I’ll explore this some more in a future post, but right now it’s a bit too much for me to further go into all of that.)
Furthermore, the anesthesia they used back then, gave me terrible nightmares. Not that I made that particular connection back then, but later on wondering about it and doing some research, I managed to figure it one out by myself. To this day I remember the horrible dreams I was having.
That’s the logic, the rationale, for my current state of mental disarray.
But it doesn’t help me.
Because this fear, this gut-wrenching terror does not subside by knowing all this. And right now, I think that has to do with it not being about being realistic about it at all.
Realistically I know, I have to have this operation, I’ll be under completely (I made sure I’ll get a general anesthetic), the operation itself is so simple and short, it is being performed so often, it’s routine for the surgeon and everyone involved. I know all this. I know, that my wife is coming with me. I trust her completely and I love her dearly. I so appreciate her support in all of this. I want nothing more right now than for her to be with me for this. And I want to be strong for her.
And yet.
I have no control over this feeling (emotion?). I am just really terribly upset and scared. Nothing to do with knowledge. And me really wanting to be strong does not even put a dent in it.
Pfff…. At least I managed to write this down.
I just need to get through this week.
Twan is here 