Just to keep track of my thoughts, feelings, symptoms or whatever, during this first day of me quitting, I’ll try and keep a kind of ‘live blog’ here. More updates following! (Possibly.)
21:25 CET – Evening now. Had some snacks after dinner (…) to give my body and mind something to do. The craving is still there, but I found some distraction in Mo Amer’s recent Netflix show. Very funny guy. Go watch it!
15:15 CET – Heightened craving, definitely. I am trying to distract myself with work, crackers and tea. And speaking of distraction — focus just comes and goes. This is all just coming from my own mind, so I am reminding myself that I am the one in charge there.
12:50 CET – Oof… After lunch is another one of those moments that not smoking or vaping hits me extra hard. It’s not a physical thing, just that habit, the craving for that taste and sensation. Okay, onward.
11:00 CET – I am now almost halfway through the first day, and I noticed in my mind I keep on reaching for my vape pen and thinking about inhaling smoke/vaping. That feeling of putting the pen in my mouth and getting the stuff into my lungs. It’s all about the cravings, because apparently after half a day, it can’t be withdrawal symptoms anymore. And my lungs (still?) hurt a little. I had two cups of black coffee already and I’m going to leave it at that. Coffee upsets my stomach a little (which I usually don’t mind) plus the caffeine will add to that feeling of anxiety… probably, I think. Soothing camomile tea and water coming up then.
I am going to stop vaping and smoking. As of tomorrow.
I started vaping (using juice with nicotine) to quit smoking. And it kind of worked — I usually just vape. But there are still plenty of periods when smoking cigarettes enters my life again. As it is doing currently. I am not dependent on them any more, because I get my steady stream of nicotine hits during the day from vaping. But because I am still craving nicotine, a cigarette now and then does not seem like a big thing. (It is, of course.)
It is simple: smoking is just terribly bad for my health. I know. And while vaping is arguably way better, to just keep the dependence on nicotine going does not seem such a smart move anymore. That addiction is going to fuck me up. So, I am done. As of the first of December 2021, I stop. No more dependencies.
Enjoyment is not real to me, when dependency is involved. When feeling guilty and regret are sneaking in right after. That, to me, is not enjoyment. That is setting myself up for disappointment and failure. Feeling inadequate. And it is me, who is doing this to myself? How dumb is that? It eats away at my (life-) time, my money and my well-being.
Saying ‘I have an addictive personality’ kind of makes it sound like a badge of honor to me. That, or either like some lame excuse to keep on doing what I’m doing. (An addictive personality is not even a real thing.) But if at the same time I am jealous of people that seem (at least) not to have these problems and are feeling healthy and energetic, something is off. Not feeling in control makes me feel weak and dirty.
And by publicly announcing it, I think I am giving myself an extra push. That said, the real push needs to come from within of course. And it does. I once stopped smoking for thirteen years, after numerous tries before that. So I know. From experience I know that the right mindset is the only thing that will really help me maintain my abstinence.
I’m just done feeling like crap. That’s it.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow.